So I lately I keep having small panic attacks that usually stem from spending time with my children. I do not exaggerate.
Years ago I used to have occasional panic attacks and it took me a while to figure out what was going on. I went to the doctor and was given some pills that I only took one time; they made me feel dizzy and tired and my vision got blurry. My heart rate slowed a bit and I had to sleep. Not a good choice for a mother of two.
Yeah so that wouldn't be an option for me now as a mother of three. Almost every day for the last week I have had a period of time where the stress has been too much for me. My chest tightens and I start to hyperventilate. I feel super short of breath and I can't think clearly. As a matter of fact, this is exactly how I feel right now at this moment while I am typing this post. I'm kind of freaking out a little bit.
The thing that freaks me out the most? The fact that it's only little, everyday, normal things that are setting me off. It's just small conflicts with my kids. Hearing them argue sets it off. Hearing a whine sets it off. Seeing that they didn't close the back door and are letting in all the flies sets it off. Asking me a question sets it off. Hearing them ask me for the third time if they can play on the ipod sets it off. Seeing a mess sets it off. Heck, hearing a loud noise sets me off. And most of all having them climb on me and touch my face insistantly sets it off.
Keep in mind that these specific things don't always set off a panic attack. These things are the last straw. To what you ask? I don't know. That's what is so bothersome. I don't really see a pattern here except that my children are always involved.
Now Farm Boy is waving a toy in my face and the pain has started again. Ugh, I need a day at the spa or at least an hour to myself. Really though, I don't know if that will make any difference.
I'm not particularly feeling in a bloggy mood today, but I did weigh myself this morning as usual and I lost:
2.2 lbs.
Again, like last week, at first I was disappointed. I knew I could do better and I knew that I had probably gained a little weight the second half of the week. However, this is still a pretty good number considering that I'm not going hungry and I'm not exercising. I did walk Buttercup to school a couple times and that was nice, but this week I (maybe) hope to get some extra hiking in in the morning while pushing Farm Boy around in the stroller.
I've also been taking the herbal/natural/whatever pills and I don't think they're making a difference. I'll still finish out the bottle and see it to the end.
I want a cookie. A fresh out of the oven gooey chocolate chip cookie dipped in milk. Actually I want several of them. And the dough too while I'm at it.
Where do I begin? First things first I suppose. This week I lost:
(Drumroll please.)
2.4 lbs.
Good news or bad?
Personally I was hoping for a little more weight loss, this being my first week and all. But after a moment of contemplation I've realized that this is really a good number. I haven't even exercised all week and have cheated a couple times on the no-carb thing and still I've lost weight.
Looking at it from a different way, 2.4 lbs. is equivalent to around ten sticks of butter. Yes I said TENsticks of butter (minus a tablespoon or two). I don't know about you, but ten sticks of butter scraped off my thighs would do me a lot of good. So here's a slight huzzah for 2.4 lbs. and no exercise...
And I have to admit it's been almost ridiculously easy so far. I thought going off of grains (or carbs) (not too strict here as you can tell) was going to kill me--if not physically then at least emotionally. Grain is the bread of life, rice is delightful with my veggies, and what is meat without potatoes?
Seriously, it has been no big deal. I've found that I am super successful when I cut something out completely. I can't cut out food 100% like an alcoholic can just avoid alcohol--so watching food portions is really difficult (hello Weight Watchers). However, I can cut out carbs/grains/whatever (don't come after me nutritional science people--have mercy, I'm doing my best). Turns out most of the bad stuff with sugar and bad fats are included in that category. Easy peasy lemon squeasy.
So pretty much all week I've been stuffing my face with delicious seasonal veggies, most straight from my garden. I also eat a lot of nuts during the day when hunger strikes (almonds anyone?). And I've always been a meat girl so I'll usually have some with my dinner.
I am not suffering and so this has been a good week. I expect to do even better this next week because I will begin going for walks in the morning when I take my girls to school. I'm sure my body will appreciate the added movement and respond. Also, as mentioned last week, I will now begin taking my herbal weight loss supplements. My hopes are sort-of high here--not really sky-high because that's just living in a fantasy, but maybe up-to-my-kitchen-ceiling-high.
In other news, this week I am going to try to starve my children a smig and see if it leads them to the fresh cut-up vegetables on the kitchen counter. No such luck yet with Farmboy, who found a plate of CC cookies from a neighbor on the counter and ate about six before I knew what was happening.
Buttercup and Lou Lou have been in their room for the last two hours with the charge of cleaning it before anything else happens today. Sigh. I could have picked up that room in five minutes no joke. Pretty sure this is what I'll be dealing with the rest of the day. BAH.
I've done a lot of thinking (and starving) lately and have made a few decisions for the present time. I've decided to go off of grains for awhile in order to cleanse my body of the unhealthy effects of polluted grains that I constantly am taking into my system. Also it should help drop some weight pretty quickly, which I am all about. Don't freak out, it's really nothing extreme! I can't explain the benefits that well since I don't speak Science, but I got a lot of eye-opening information at wellnessmama.com.
I've been pretty good at keeping my diet goals the last two days. Still, I haven't been 100%--I tasted a roll last night and this morning as I fed them to my children. (Seriously, if I wasn't a short order cook I think this healthy diet thing would work out so much better. But keeping only insanely health food in the house doesn't fit into my job description. I know I should just force my children into the healthy stuff, but truly they are the pickiest eaters since I myself was young.... younger.)
So I ate a roll. And then I felt guilty.
And then I felt like I had blown The whole Plan.
And then I got over it.
Exercise: I did walk around the block last night in the dark with a fabulous friend. I wore my flip flops and of course my knees began hurting before I could turn a corner, but I sucked it up and finished the job. It was really a delightful stroll/hike, and I probably damaged my knees worse. Ah well. I'll get into some real exercising soon--probably next week when I get Buttercup and Lou Lou back into school and settled and I can then focus on working out. I thought I would put Farmboy in the stroller and go all around my beautiful mountain neighborhood for an hour every morning--while wearing my good tennies with the inserts of course. Please bless that my knees won't hurt.
Anywho, so now I'm thinking I will still eat my sensible meals, but with more protein and less carbs--almost like an Atkins thing. I have high hopes as long as I can find something to do with myself when I'm feeling emotional. My first thought is always to go straight to the cupboard/freezer/whatever, but this is also no longer an option. I need a hobby. Perhaps I should actually do some of the crafts I've pinned from Pinterest.
Also, my most darling sister The Princess has just joyfully informed me that she most likely will be coming to stay for the weekend. Wonderful news--however, my way of entertaining and celebrating usually involves meals smothered in butter and chocolate chip cookies galore. I have really got to find an alternate way of feeling happy--or expressing happiness. This is not easy. This is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do.
As of late it has become exceedingly apparent that I have been eating way too many spoonfuls of peanut butter (see previous post). As a matter of fact, peanut butter and other such comes-from-a-can-and-very-quickly-puts-a-smile-on-my-face foods are about all I remember of the last year. Just as 1+1=2, peanut butter (etc.etc.) + no exercise = larger body and smaller wardrobe. In turn, this leads to a very tired and sloppily dressed megs.
I can point my finger wherever I like to place blame, and so I will.
First and foremost, I am hungry. You can find me at any hour of the day planning what my next meal (or snack) will be while simultaneously nibbling on a few cups of chocolate chips. (Hey, they're small. Don't give me that.) Will the universe just make me full already?
Secondly, I am emotional. The reasons for this hideous problem I could name by the thousands, but today I am going to highlight my crazy hormones as the main culprit. If you'd like to know more please feel free to call me while I sob into the phone for an hour or two. Or maybe we'll just go shopping... Anywho, the point is that I literally eat my emotions and they've built a homestead on my thighs. And my chin.
Thirdly, I have three babies. Well, they're not all babies currently, but they once were and they've taken a toll on my poor body. And can I just say that I have an eternal hatred towards women who look like models from the back and are 8 1/2 months pregnant in the front. My body however is under the impression that babies are to be carried in your bum, and so it would naturally follow that my bottom would sag just as any mother's post-partum belly would.
Fourthly--and really this reason could fit into excuses numbers 1,2, and 3--I miscarried a baby earlier this year. Hungry, hormones, babies. Nuff said.
Fifthly, I walk funny and my bones and joints are all in wonky places. This has been confirmed by my physical therapist husband Charming--and for good measure, a chiropractor. Almost all exercise attempted results in much pain. Like me screaming that my knees are going to explode kind of pain. Whatever.
And sixthly, MY BODY HATES ME. This is a proven matter of fact. Perhaps I haven't given it enough reasons to love me, or perhaps it's still mad about those ballet lessons in 2nd grade. Whatever the reason, it wants to torture me. The end.
Well, not necessarily the end. I mean, chubby megs is fine and all to be for the moment, but after a moment or two you could say it gets annoying having to wear a skirt because none of your pants fit you. And having four gorgeous not-that-much-younger sisters constantly reminding me of what beauty and athleticism look like. Sigh.
Hence The Plan.
The Plan is not that finely tuned as of yet, but I'm here today to say that I'm working on it. I am going to be dieting myself into a better body image, as well as adding exercise (it tends to help).
In the past I have done Weight Watchers and was very successful. However, WW is getting a little old to me and I am sick of counting Points. For a week or so I am going to be seeing how strong my willpower is (and I think I'm frustrated enough that it might be pretty strong). WW might make a triumphant return if I can't seem to get a handle on
things on my own. Counting calories may also be an option.
I plan on eating three super-sensible meals a day with free fruit whenever I like. Usually I don't like fruit--I would prefer a large scoop of Nutella thankyouverymuch, but obviously this can't happen anymore.
I will be drinking lots of water and starting small with walks around the neighborhood. That will gradually build until I can get back into step aerobics and riding my stationary bike. I'll aim for exercising 30 minutes, 5 times a week, to start.
Also, I have a bottle of "natural" diet pills that I will be taking starting in a week after I see how I've done on my own. This first week will be a control to see if the pills are really doing anything. And please don't tell me not to take the pills. You can tell me to be careful, but I think these pills are pretty organic and will not be hurting me. If they hurt anything it will be my pocketbook.
I've decided to use my blog as another way to check in and keep me motivated. Every Monday I'll be weighing myself in and reporting my weight loss. No, you don't get to know my original poundage because that is a rude question and how embarrassing! Let's just say it's somewhere between ouch and ludicrous. This week I haven't lost anything--the scale has just confirmed my worst fears. Meh. Continuing on. Once a month I will post a current picture of myself, so we can see the progress. (Picture coming soon.)
And when I say we, I mean anyone who is interested. I understand that just because you are my cousin or my friend from highschool you still may not be interested in the mundane details of my hopeful attempt to get in shape #183. Feel free to run away and check back in a year to laugh at me.
Not. I am gonna be so hott. Ahem.
As for those of you who feel supportive or just curious even--welcome. I could use all the help I can get.
