I've been living with pain for so long. Deep pain. And I've been feeling lately that if I could just express it and put it out there into the universe somehow then the pressure would ease and it will be livable.
Depression. Anxiety.
They have been my companions for several years. There has definitely been an ebb and flow to it--but at this moment there is more flow and less ebb. I sit back and almost physically feel the dull ache wash over me, with occasional bursts of stinging pain.
I've done so much and yet so little to "help myself" "overcome" this mental illness. And yet here I sit with tears rolling down my face, all alone in my house on a gorgeous rainy autumn day, wondering how I will ever experience the meaning in my life.
I don't say "find" the meaning in my life, because it has been found--it's always been there. I just have a problem accessing it, touching it, feeling it, and experiencing it. My life is absolutely beautiful, one that I would choose and create for myself if I were the grand architect. It is right there in all of it's splendor before me, but I am behind an impenetrable glass wall with my nose pressed up against the glass, wishing and hoping and pleading that someday I can access it. This is what makes it all the more painful--knowing what I am missing out on, and seeing the days, weeks, months, and years fly by knowing that they can never return to me the empty days I have lost and fill them again.
In my experience there is no miracle pill or cure. The paradox of depression is that to overcome it you need to get moving--makes decisions, talk it out, go to doctors,exercise, study up on options--and yet depression is the very thing stopping you from moving. Anxiety tells you that making a simple phone call is going to be a difficult and painful experience.
Hope. It hasn't always been in my line of sight. These days there are strong, yet very short, glimmers. It is the memory of them that carry me through today.
Thank you all for the uplifting comments and ideas! I have been having a hormonal moment the last few weeks (see my post back in August for details on how hormones ruin my life). Hormones lead to extreme emotions and that leads to emotional eating--which I "repented" of last week. This week has gone pretty well, except that now I am at my mother's home in Idaho on vaca for General Conference and old habits die hard. There is chex mix a plenty and I'm sure that later this evening cookies will abound. I intend to have one. Dang it. I might have three.
My lovely cousin Claire has suggested texting her all the food I eat. Hmmm. Possible.
My fantastic cousin Jan has suggested doing workout shows on tv, even some slightly restfulish ones. Sounds nice. Working out doesn't have to be easy for me, it just needs to be convenient. And convenience isn't a convenience I have an abundance of currently. I have three inconveniences and one fantastic helper. Interpret that as you will, I'm just saying that I'm too lazy to make a schedule. Boo on me.
I didn't lose weight this last week--maintained though. Meh.
Okay, blogging is actually quite invigorating for my soul, and so I will committ not to pig-out this weekend. However I cannot committ to not eating my General Conference treats. That will have to serve for now.
Thanks everyone for your super-duperness! These are the things that put be back in line.
I know I broke the golden most important rule and skipped out on my post last Monday. I shouldn't have done it, since the point of this blog is full disclosure and all that kind of stuff.
But last Monday was hard. I had gained some weight (again) and was super disappointed in myself. I've had a cold for the last two weeks and it keeps getting worse. Or at least it wouldn't end. Terrible enough.
Since I am fully disclosing my sins here I will also say that I ate large quantities of ice cream and towards the end of the week added quite a bit of homemade chocolate sauce to go with it. I know you're drooling. And yes, it was fantastic.
So it was with trepidation that I stepped on the scale this morning expecting the worst. I imagined a really high number in my mind and told myself that if it was below that, I wouldn't freak out. To my shock I lost weight. What the? My body makes no sense, but I'll take it. My recent weight gain and loss puts me back approximately three weeks--which really isn't that bad considering total I've lost over eight pounds. That's okay with me.
And now I recommit myself. I'm starting completely over and seeing where it takes me. This means no grains once again. Does rice count? I think it does although I had some for dinner tonight. I guess that means I'm actually recommitting tomorrow...
Exercise... twice a week? It's so hard to fit in, but I will start there and then move up an extra day each week. I try to convince myself that doing outdoor projects (all my furniture spray painting lately could be an entirely different blog) is good exercise. I'm not sure. There is a lot of bending and squatting involved and it pretty much takes all day to complete a piece. It is quite satisfying to finish something big, and really keeps me motivated to continue to do things and keep busy throughout the day.
I need some encouragement. I'm not begging, just asking. Any new ideas? Or even old ones will do. I want to stay on this path, no matter how long it takes. I know it will be worth it to finally have energy and feel like myself again.
Boo. I'm a little ticked off about how this week went so I'll just give it to you straight without any pageantry: I gained.2lbs.
It is really not that much to gain, but it would have been nice to lose something... I don't think I did anything different from last week.
My hypothesis is this--that I lost so much last week because the day before my weigh in was a fast Sunday. I think that temporarily augmented my weigh loss, and I probably only truly lost about 2 lbs. If this is true then I probably lost another 2 lbs. this week.
Which is good. Good enough at least.
Really, if I keep losing 2 lbs. a week I have nothing to complain about. I would love a quick weight loss, but slower is better they say. Meh.
In other news, this week Lou Lou asked me if she was adopted.
What The Heck?
Where did she even get that word from? Let alone the idea?
We then discussed about how she was not adopted but however if she was, it really wouldn't make a difference in her role in our family and in how much we love her blah blah blah.
So this week I totally pigged out. I was never hungry and there was a little guilt.
I exercised twice by hiking/pushing a stroller (one and the same in my neighborhood) for an hour. I thought it was productive.
But when I went to weigh myself this morning I was sure the numbers wouldn't be pretty. I thought I might even have gained some. Imagine my delight when the scale said I LOST:
4.2 lbs.
Throw a freakin' party! I think I did a little dance before announcing my success to Charming. This is seriously painless. Yes, I have had to pass up a few yummies, but I don't feel deprived seeing as how I can eat other food (meaning no grains) until I'm full. I can even have reasonable amounts of icecream. Actually, last night I had extremely unreasonable amounts of icecream and I am still cheerful!
Huzzah and Woot Woot!!!
I plan on keeping this up this next week--and perhaps walking three days this week? I am keeping my fingers crossed that my good luck (or hard work) keeps up.
So I lately I keep having small panic attacks that usually stem from spending time with my children. I do not exaggerate.
Years ago I used to have occasional panic attacks and it took me a while to figure out what was going on. I went to the doctor and was given some pills that I only took one time; they made me feel dizzy and tired and my vision got blurry. My heart rate slowed a bit and I had to sleep. Not a good choice for a mother of two.
Yeah so that wouldn't be an option for me now as a mother of three. Almost every day for the last week I have had a period of time where the stress has been too much for me. My chest tightens and I start to hyperventilate. I feel super short of breath and I can't think clearly. As a matter of fact, this is exactly how I feel right now at this moment while I am typing this post. I'm kind of freaking out a little bit.
The thing that freaks me out the most? The fact that it's only little, everyday, normal things that are setting me off. It's just small conflicts with my kids. Hearing them argue sets it off. Hearing a whine sets it off. Seeing that they didn't close the back door and are letting in all the flies sets it off. Asking me a question sets it off. Hearing them ask me for the third time if they can play on the ipod sets it off. Seeing a mess sets it off. Heck, hearing a loud noise sets me off. And most of all having them climb on me and touch my face insistantly sets it off.
Keep in mind that these specific things don't always set off a panic attack. These things are the last straw. To what you ask? I don't know. That's what is so bothersome. I don't really see a pattern here except that my children are always involved.
Now Farm Boy is waving a toy in my face and the pain has started again. Ugh, I need a day at the spa or at least an hour to myself. Really though, I don't know if that will make any difference.
I'm not particularly feeling in a bloggy mood today, but I did weigh myself this morning as usual and I lost:
2.2 lbs.
Again, like last week, at first I was disappointed. I knew I could do better and I knew that I had probably gained a little weight the second half of the week. However, this is still a pretty good number considering that I'm not going hungry and I'm not exercising. I did walk Buttercup to school a couple times and that was nice, but this week I (maybe) hope to get some extra hiking in in the morning while pushing Farm Boy around in the stroller.
I've also been taking the herbal/natural/whatever pills and I don't think they're making a difference. I'll still finish out the bottle and see it to the end.
I want a cookie. A fresh out of the oven gooey chocolate chip cookie dipped in milk. Actually I want several of them. And the dough too while I'm at it.
Where do I begin? First things first I suppose. This week I lost:
(Drumroll please.)
2.4 lbs.
Good news or bad?
Personally I was hoping for a little more weight loss, this being my first week and all. But after a moment of contemplation I've realized that this is really a good number. I haven't even exercised all week and have cheated a couple times on the no-carb thing and still I've lost weight.
Looking at it from a different way, 2.4 lbs. is equivalent to around ten sticks of butter. Yes I said TENsticks of butter (minus a tablespoon or two). I don't know about you, but ten sticks of butter scraped off my thighs would do me a lot of good. So here's a slight huzzah for 2.4 lbs. and no exercise...
And I have to admit it's been almost ridiculously easy so far. I thought going off of grains (or carbs) (not too strict here as you can tell) was going to kill me--if not physically then at least emotionally. Grain is the bread of life, rice is delightful with my veggies, and what is meat without potatoes?
Seriously, it has been no big deal. I've found that I am super successful when I cut something out completely. I can't cut out food 100% like an alcoholic can just avoid alcohol--so watching food portions is really difficult (hello Weight Watchers). However, I can cut out carbs/grains/whatever (don't come after me nutritional science people--have mercy, I'm doing my best). Turns out most of the bad stuff with sugar and bad fats are included in that category. Easy peasy lemon squeasy.
So pretty much all week I've been stuffing my face with delicious seasonal veggies, most straight from my garden. I also eat a lot of nuts during the day when hunger strikes (almonds anyone?). And I've always been a meat girl so I'll usually have some with my dinner.
I am not suffering and so this has been a good week. I expect to do even better this next week because I will begin going for walks in the morning when I take my girls to school. I'm sure my body will appreciate the added movement and respond. Also, as mentioned last week, I will now begin taking my herbal weight loss supplements. My hopes are sort-of high here--not really sky-high because that's just living in a fantasy, but maybe up-to-my-kitchen-ceiling-high.
In other news, this week I am going to try to starve my children a smig and see if it leads them to the fresh cut-up vegetables on the kitchen counter. No such luck yet with Farmboy, who found a plate of CC cookies from a neighbor on the counter and ate about six before I knew what was happening.
Buttercup and Lou Lou have been in their room for the last two hours with the charge of cleaning it before anything else happens today. Sigh. I could have picked up that room in five minutes no joke. Pretty sure this is what I'll be dealing with the rest of the day. BAH.
I've done a lot of thinking (and starving) lately and have made a few decisions for the present time. I've decided to go off of grains for awhile in order to cleanse my body of the unhealthy effects of polluted grains that I constantly am taking into my system. Also it should help drop some weight pretty quickly, which I am all about. Don't freak out, it's really nothing extreme! I can't explain the benefits that well since I don't speak Science, but I got a lot of eye-opening information at wellnessmama.com.
I've been pretty good at keeping my diet goals the last two days. Still, I haven't been 100%--I tasted a roll last night and this morning as I fed them to my children. (Seriously, if I wasn't a short order cook I think this healthy diet thing would work out so much better. But keeping only insanely health food in the house doesn't fit into my job description. I know I should just force my children into the healthy stuff, but truly they are the pickiest eaters since I myself was young.... younger.)
So I ate a roll. And then I felt guilty.
And then I felt like I had blown The whole Plan.
And then I got over it.
Exercise: I did walk around the block last night in the dark with a fabulous friend. I wore my flip flops and of course my knees began hurting before I could turn a corner, but I sucked it up and finished the job. It was really a delightful stroll/hike, and I probably damaged my knees worse. Ah well. I'll get into some real exercising soon--probably next week when I get Buttercup and Lou Lou back into school and settled and I can then focus on working out. I thought I would put Farmboy in the stroller and go all around my beautiful mountain neighborhood for an hour every morning--while wearing my good tennies with the inserts of course. Please bless that my knees won't hurt.
Anywho, so now I'm thinking I will still eat my sensible meals, but with more protein and less carbs--almost like an Atkins thing. I have high hopes as long as I can find something to do with myself when I'm feeling emotional. My first thought is always to go straight to the cupboard/freezer/whatever, but this is also no longer an option. I need a hobby. Perhaps I should actually do some of the crafts I've pinned from Pinterest.
Also, my most darling sister The Princess has just joyfully informed me that she most likely will be coming to stay for the weekend. Wonderful news--however, my way of entertaining and celebrating usually involves meals smothered in butter and chocolate chip cookies galore. I have really got to find an alternate way of feeling happy--or expressing happiness. This is not easy. This is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do.
As of late it has become exceedingly apparent that I have been eating way too many spoonfuls of peanut butter (see previous post). As a matter of fact, peanut butter and other such comes-from-a-can-and-very-quickly-puts-a-smile-on-my-face foods are about all I remember of the last year. Just as 1+1=2, peanut butter (etc.etc.) + no exercise = larger body and smaller wardrobe. In turn, this leads to a very tired and sloppily dressed megs.
I can point my finger wherever I like to place blame, and so I will.
First and foremost, I am hungry. You can find me at any hour of the day planning what my next meal (or snack) will be while simultaneously nibbling on a few cups of chocolate chips. (Hey, they're small. Don't give me that.) Will the universe just make me full already?
Secondly, I am emotional. The reasons for this hideous problem I could name by the thousands, but today I am going to highlight my crazy hormones as the main culprit. If you'd like to know more please feel free to call me while I sob into the phone for an hour or two. Or maybe we'll just go shopping... Anywho, the point is that I literally eat my emotions and they've built a homestead on my thighs. And my chin.
Thirdly, I have three babies. Well, they're not all babies currently, but they once were and they've taken a toll on my poor body. And can I just say that I have an eternal hatred towards women who look like models from the back and are 8 1/2 months pregnant in the front. My body however is under the impression that babies are to be carried in your bum, and so it would naturally follow that my bottom would sag just as any mother's post-partum belly would.
Fourthly--and really this reason could fit into excuses numbers 1,2, and 3--I miscarried a baby earlier this year. Hungry, hormones, babies. Nuff said.
Fifthly, I walk funny and my bones and joints are all in wonky places. This has been confirmed by my physical therapist husband Charming--and for good measure, a chiropractor. Almost all exercise attempted results in much pain. Like me screaming that my knees are going to explode kind of pain. Whatever.
And sixthly, MY BODY HATES ME. This is a proven matter of fact. Perhaps I haven't given it enough reasons to love me, or perhaps it's still mad about those ballet lessons in 2nd grade. Whatever the reason, it wants to torture me. The end.
Well, not necessarily the end. I mean, chubby megs is fine and all to be for the moment, but after a moment or two you could say it gets annoying having to wear a skirt because none of your pants fit you. And having four gorgeous not-that-much-younger sisters constantly reminding me of what beauty and athleticism look like. Sigh.
Hence The Plan.
The Plan is not that finely tuned as of yet, but I'm here today to say that I'm working on it. I am going to be dieting myself into a better body image, as well as adding exercise (it tends to help).
In the past I have done Weight Watchers and was very successful. However, WW is getting a little old to me and I am sick of counting Points. For a week or so I am going to be seeing how strong my willpower is (and I think I'm frustrated enough that it might be pretty strong). WW might make a triumphant return if I can't seem to get a handle on
things on my own. Counting calories may also be an option.
I plan on eating three super-sensible meals a day with free fruit whenever I like. Usually I don't like fruit--I would prefer a large scoop of Nutella thankyouverymuch, but obviously this can't happen anymore.
I will be drinking lots of water and starting small with walks around the neighborhood. That will gradually build until I can get back into step aerobics and riding my stationary bike. I'll aim for exercising 30 minutes, 5 times a week, to start.
Also, I have a bottle of "natural" diet pills that I will be taking starting in a week after I see how I've done on my own. This first week will be a control to see if the pills are really doing anything. And please don't tell me not to take the pills. You can tell me to be careful, but I think these pills are pretty organic and will not be hurting me. If they hurt anything it will be my pocketbook.
I've decided to use my blog as another way to check in and keep me motivated. Every Monday I'll be weighing myself in and reporting my weight loss. No, you don't get to know my original poundage because that is a rude question and how embarrassing! Let's just say it's somewhere between ouch and ludicrous. This week I haven't lost anything--the scale has just confirmed my worst fears. Meh. Continuing on. Once a month I will post a current picture of myself, so we can see the progress. (Picture coming soon.)
And when I say we, I mean anyone who is interested. I understand that just because you are my cousin or my friend from highschool you still may not be interested in the mundane details of my hopeful attempt to get in shape #183. Feel free to run away and check back in a year to laugh at me.
Not. I am gonna be so hott. Ahem.
As for those of you who feel supportive or just curious even--welcome. I could use all the help I can get.
Today is one of those days when I must do everything or I must do nothing. How do you find the balance of what is worthwhile and needful compared to simply going through the expected motions of your life? Don't panic--the children have been fed. (That falls under the needful category. I've found if you don't feed them everyday they get noticeably upset.) They have also been clothed and brushed and what-have-you. Is it worth it for me to marinate some chicken for dinner when I haven't even showered yet? Is it even a good idea to shower when I haven't done my expected workout? Why should I workout when it takes up a huge chunk of my morning and really I'm just so tired? It makes sense that I would be tired after reading a whole book in one sitting until 2:00am last night. But I needed to read that book, the same way I need chocolate when I'm stressed. (Oh, and I ate a bunch of chocolate chips too, which consequently gave me a headache. Huge Costco bag of chocolate chips? Best idea ever. Or worst.) So what is needful? What is the most important thing? This question always points to the best of all answers--you know, the ones you always repeat in sunday school: Pray, then read the scriptures. Huh, guess I'd better go get my priorities straight. I know there are women out there who are just like me, who have days of doubt and confusion of purpose. Sometimes it helps to know that you're not the only one struggling with everyday life--the only one who misses the seemingly obvious answers. It won't last forever. Just take one step at a time. Okay, now I'm going to go following the prompting. Then perhaps I'll start with getting dressed...
Today I blog because I am avoiding doing the important stuff, or the "usual" stuff. The reason for this may be because I have a cold and took Nyquil last night and I'm still not over the effects, or perhaps because it's that special time and I feel like bursting into tears because all of the forces of the universe seem to be against me (totally not true bytheway if I do an evaluation--my body is just telling me lies). I can think of a hundred things to do and a bajillion reasons why not to do them--or maybe because I just don't want to move and that basically trumps everything. In the meantime Lou Lou and Farm Boy run wild through the untidy wilderness of my home. They don't seem deprived but then again Farm Boy thinks cat food is a treat. Okay, maybe I'll put a stop to that one. While I've got ya here I'll post some random musings:
Why do I have to love peanut butter so much? It is a weakness, and paired with chocolate, it is my downfall.
Lou Lou has informed me that she is in love with the cute little neighbor boy, and that she fell in love with him a long, long, long, long time ago when she was three. This sounds serious. Recently she asked me if she could play with Boy Next Door, and could she please put on her lipstick first before knocking on his door. Cause for concern?
I really should recommit to taking off my makeup at night.
There is a new stray cat in the neighborhood who looks very similar to Phoebe (my new cat) and is giving her a bad name by running into neighbors houses and hiding under their beds. If you are my neighbor, please understand this is not Phoebe, this is an evil voyeur look-alike and I do not feed her.
Farm Boy now walks. Good? Bad? The jury is still out.
I have now witnessed a live birth. Of a real human baby(!). IT WAS AWESOME. This event has commenced an inward struggle over my resolution to do anything that is needful to prevent myself from ever becoming pregnant again ever ever ever. But then one of my precious children whines about something and I'm more recommitted than ever before.
My husband makes yummy treats. This must mean he loves my shapely figure and doesn't want it to change in any way because he's doing his darnedest to keep it round and soft. Um thanks Charming?
Primary equals fun! Who knew? I completely forgot about the little party that happens in the primary room each Sunday morning. Plus there's a song for just about any topic that needs discussing or celebrating. Huzzah for my new calling!
I've probably read about seven books this month. And I've still got a couple more days to squeeze another in. Yay! Another reason/excuse not to be productive!
I am going to make a slipcover for my living room couch. I've been saying this since last October. Impediments: wimpy sewing machine, basic lack of a pattern or awesome sewing now-how, finding the perfect expensive fabric and fear of cutting into it, um--my obvious lack of motivation to even do the vacuuming.
The aforementioned cat, Phoebe. What the devil was I thinking!?!?!!!! Oh well.
All single men in their mid-twenties/early thirties are stupid. How could you exist out there and not be fawning over my most excellent sister, Miss Dowse? Do you not see how gorgeous she is? Her hair is indescribably wonderful. She is smart and witty, extremely fun and a hard worker. Unless your list for the perfect woman includes something like ugly, mean, hard-hearted, hates children, and has multiple piercings and tattoos, she is the girl you want. The real question is, are you good enough for her? You are all fools.
I am going to start a garden. Sigh.
I had very intense dream that I met Jim Carrey and we became fast, secret friends. We called each other all the time and laughed our heads off. Charming didn't mind. We ran away from paparazzi and ate delicious food. Weird.
Okay, now my conscience is declaring war on my blogging, so off I go to get dressed and make sure the small children haven't swallowed something toxic.
Today all three kiddos have had nasty colds--coughing and the whole bit. Poor Farm Boy couldn't keep any food down because he was coughing so hard. I felt a little bad for him, but really more sorry for me because hey, that kid can put away a ton of food in a short amount of time and getting it all over the floor is not my idea of cute decor (which is one of my general aims as a full-time housewife/mother/person-who-is-at-home-all-the-time-and-so-her-home-needs-to-be-her-awesome-fairyland-castle-blah-blah-blah). But I digress. To sum up, everyone had coughes today.
So tonight Lou Lou begged to say the family prayer, and was granted the privilege because actually praying willingly in the evening has not been going so well in the small child department as of late. I prepared myself for whatever was to come. The prayer was very to the point and focused on one topic--coughes (prounced koff-is). It went something like this:
"Please bless that my coughes will get better. And please bless that Buttercup's coughes will get all better. And please bless that Farm Boy's coughes will get better too."
And then almost as a side note:
"And we're thankful for everyone who has coughes. And thank thee for everyone who doesn't have coughes." (pronounced koff-is) Amen.
Charming and I then added a heartfelt amen to Lou Lou's pleadings. Who could reject such a prayer? She had everyone covered. And thus ended another day in Meg's fairyland-castle-house.
Buttercup has really been advancing in her school work the last few months and weeks. She's been sounding out words with a frustrated attitude since this summer, but as of late her reading skills have really taken off. She started with some take-home-reading books from school that read simple repetitions and this last week she picked up one of her easy reader books that are much more complicated and read the whole thing--sounding out the more difficult words patiently and surprising me by knowing most of the words by sight. I suppose I ought to send her teacher an apple or something because apparently she's been doing her job well...
Buttercup has taken out her new found gifts on Lou Lou, who does preschool at home with me most mornings when Buttercup is at school. Although Lou Lou can barely recognize only a handful of letters, let alone remember their sounds, Buttercup thought it necessary to school her in the finer arts of punctuation. Setting up school downstairs in their expansive room, Buttercup wrote out a few sentences as an example for Lou Lou's learning, including a period, question mark, and exclamation point--and then proudly taped it on the sliding glass doors by the kitchen. It went as follows (notice the punctuation):
I like you. Can you read? I love you!
I hope Lou Lou now knows the difference between a calm "I like you." and a feeling "I love you!". Buttercup sure does. She's been practicing her reading "with expression". At first she was shy and a bit offended when I suggested she ammend her monotone reading voice to one using "expression" like mama does when she reads. She was horrified after a few examples to show her what I meant, but a day or two later she began doing it on her own--proudly displaying her expression like it was a new outfit. (And trust me, those are proudly displayed.)
Anywho, we are incredibly proud of Buttercup's achievements. Even after all these years, Charming and I seem shocked when our children learn something new--"Look! Something we made together can read on it's own! It works!".
It stretches beyond that--lately we realized that Buttercup will be turning six in a week or two, which is incredibly shocking because we were sure five was tops after her last birthday. But now that I think about it, next year Buttercup will turn seven.... and do you realize that after that SHE'LL BE EIGHT?!?!?!!! (Yes, I myself have learned how to use question marks and exclamation points.)
I tell you it is getting quite overwhelming how quickly time passes and children grow and learn and progress. But I suppose life would turn stale if change wasn't constantly occuring, even with our sweet little ones. Isn't that what the plan of salvation is all about anyway? Learning and growing and progression. Sigh.
You probably noticed I'm back. Duh. I felt like telling a story and here is the end result. You're welcome! We'll see if this sticks... this could be fun you know? That is all.
And I think it's a pretty good excuse at that. Here is the reason for my lack of posts and lame facebook statuses: Introducing....
FARM BOY
The latest addition to my little brood; the reason for my tired eyes and fluffy body. He is a sweet, happy baby and yet quite a handful. I am not the type of mother to whom big changes come easily. I get so very preoccupied with my most important tasks (keeping my baby alive, children fed etc.), that it is difficult for me to do anything extra. However, I do hope that my blogging will resume as usual soon. I am constantly composing posts in my head, but my hands are too busy to type them out.
I was being the lazy pregnant mommy and laying in bed for too long, and made her take herself potty. Apparently she was in such a hurry that she forgot to put her little potty seat on the huge toilet seat (which in the past she has explained to me is for "big bottoms"... ahem). So she fell right in and I heard a splash and then a death scream. The poor child was traumatized and soaking wet, but I had to laugh. A lot.
And then I officially got out of bed for the morning. Lately it takes crazy things like this to get me to groan/heave my swollen body over the edge. Or just my children pleading for food.
I live a life that most women only dream of having. Yay!
A very good question just asked by little Lou Lou. I answered, "Because if mammas went to work and school, who would feed you your lunch, and wipe your nose, and do the dishes, and give you hugs, and read you stories?" That answer seemed acceptable enough, and I was rewarded with a kiss.
I haven't blogged in months because I haven't wanted to turn this blog into one big whining vent about being pregnant and all the hormonal ups and downs. However, as I sit here now I realize that I have come full circle--content and filled to the core with gratitude for all that I have. Okay and sometimes I just laugh outright because life is so full of wonderful, exciting, hilarious moments that are mine. This doesn't mean that I'm not sick of being pregnant, hating all the weight I've gained, freaking out about packing up my whole house in the next month, and having occasional panic attacks about caring for a soon-to-come newborn. But my life is balanced, and I don't feel insane. (Except perhaps during those killer BH contractions that last for hours and then the doctor the next day tells you you'll still be preggers for weeks!) (See, this is why I haven't blogged for awhile.)
Anywho, there's lots I could fill the masses in on here, but I'd rather just simplify it all and say, THIS--my little life I've got here--is why this mama doesn't go to work and school! I've got too much at home that I would be missing out on;)
Plus, I've already got a degree that I spent plenty of time working on, and a fantastic husband who goes to work and school for me....
Just a moment ago Buttercup was looking at me curiously. Then she stated, "Mama, when your hair is in a ponytale you look ugly. But when it is fixed and down it is pretty. You should fix your hair."
And that pretty much sums up the last several months. Now your curiousity is satisfied, and I will go back to trying to forget that I am pregnant. For the time being.
