I need a place to say it.

I've been living with pain for so long.  Deep pain.  And I've been feeling lately that if I could just express it and put it out there into the universe somehow then the pressure would ease and it will be livable. 

Depression. Anxiety.

They have been my companions for several years.  There has definitely been an ebb and flow to it--but at this moment there is more flow and less ebb.  I sit back and almost physically feel the dull ache wash over me, with occasional bursts of stinging pain. 

I've done so much and yet so little to "help myself" "overcome" this mental illness.  And yet here I sit with tears rolling down my face, all alone in my house on a gorgeous rainy autumn day, wondering how I will ever experience the meaning in my life. 

I don't say "find" the meaning in my life, because it has been found--it's always been there.  I just have a problem accessing it, touching it, feeling it, and experiencing it.  My life is absolutely beautiful, one that I would choose and create for myself if I were the grand architect.  It is right there in all of it's splendor before me, but I am behind an impenetrable glass wall with my nose pressed up against the glass, wishing and hoping and pleading that someday I can access it.  This is what makes it all the more painful--knowing what I am missing out on, and seeing the days, weeks, months, and years fly by knowing that they can never return to me the empty days I have lost and fill them again.

In my experience there is no miracle pill or cure.  The paradox of depression is that to overcome it you need to get moving--makes decisions, talk it out, go to doctors,exercise, study up on options--and yet depression is the very thing stopping you from moving.  Anxiety tells you that making a simple phone call is going to be a difficult and painful experience. 

Hope.  It hasn't always been in my line of sight.  These days there are strong, yet very short, glimmers.  It is the memory of them that carry me through today.

You caught me.

Thank you all for the uplifting comments and ideas!  I have been having a hormonal moment the last few weeks (see my post back in August for details on how hormones ruin my life).  Hormones lead to extreme emotions and that leads to emotional eating--which I "repented" of last week.  This week has gone pretty well, except that now I am at my mother's home in Idaho on vaca for General Conference and old habits die hard.  There is chex mix a plenty and I'm sure that later this evening cookies will abound.  I intend to have one.  Dang it.  I might have three. 

My lovely cousin Claire has suggested texting her all the food I eat.  Hmmm.  Possible. 

My fantastic cousin Jan has suggested doing workout shows on tv, even some slightly restfulish ones.  Sounds nice.  Working out doesn't have to be easy for me, it just needs to be convenient.  And convenience isn't a convenience I have an abundance of currently.  I have three inconveniences and one fantastic helper.  Interpret that as you will, I'm just saying that I'm too lazy to make a schedule.  Boo on me.

I didn't lose weight this last week--maintained though.  Meh. 

Okay, blogging is actually quite invigorating for my soul, and so I will committ not to pig-out this weekend.  However I cannot committ to not eating my General Conference treats.  That will have to serve for now.

Thanks everyone for your super-duperness!  These are the things that put be back in line.

That is all.

In which I don't give up, I just have a moment.

I know I broke the golden most important rule and skipped out on my post last Monday.  I shouldn't have done it, since the point of this blog is full disclosure and all that kind of stuff.

But last Monday was hard.  I had gained some weight (again) and was super disappointed in myself.  I've had a cold for the last two weeks and it keeps getting worse.  Or at least it wouldn't end.  Terrible enough.

Since I am fully disclosing my sins here I will also say that I ate large quantities of ice cream and towards the end of the week added quite a bit of homemade chocolate sauce to go with it.  I know you're drooling.  And yes, it was fantastic.

So it was with trepidation that I stepped on the scale this morning expecting the worst.  I imagined a really high number in my mind and told myself that if it was below that, I wouldn't freak out.  To my shock I lost weight.  What the?  My body makes no sense, but I'll take it.  My recent weight gain and loss puts me back approximately three weeks--which really isn't that bad considering total I've lost over eight pounds.  That's okay with me.

And now I recommit myself.  I'm starting completely over and seeing where it takes me.  This means no grains once again.  Does rice count? I think it does although I had some for dinner tonight.  I guess that means I'm actually recommitting tomorrow...

Exercise...  twice a week?  It's so hard to fit in, but I will start there and then move up an extra day each week.  I try to convince myself that doing outdoor projects (all my furniture spray painting lately could be an entirely different blog) is good exercise.  I'm not sure.  There is a lot of bending and squatting involved and it pretty much takes all day to complete a piece.  It is quite satisfying to finish something big, and really keeps me motivated to continue to do things and keep busy throughout the day.

I need some encouragement.  I'm not begging, just asking.  Any new ideas?  Or even old ones will do.  I want to stay on this path, no matter how long it takes.  I know it will be worth it to finally have energy and feel like myself again.

Deep sigh.

I'm confused but whatever...

Boo.  I'm a little ticked off about how this week went so I'll just give it to you straight without any pageantry:  I gained .2 lbs. 

It is really not that much to gain, but it would have been nice to lose something...  I don't think I did anything different from last week. 

My hypothesis is this--that I lost so much last week because the day before my weigh in was a fast Sunday.  I think that temporarily augmented my weigh loss, and I probably only truly lost about 2 lbs.  If this is true then I probably lost another 2 lbs. this week. 

Which is good.  Good enough at least.

Really, if I keep losing 2 lbs. a week I have nothing to complain about.  I would love a quick weight loss, but slower is better they say.  Meh.

In other news, this week Lou Lou asked me if she was adopted. 

What The Heck?

Where did she even get that word from? Let alone the idea?

We then discussed about how she was not adopted but however if she was, it really wouldn't make a difference in her role in our family and in how much we love her blah blah blah. 

Hilarious.  Love my little munchkins...

That is all.

I'll most definitely take it!

So this week I totally pigged out.  I was never hungry and there was a little guilt.

I exercised twice by hiking/pushing a stroller (one and the same in my neighborhood) for an hour.  I thought it was productive.

But when I went to weigh myself this morning I was sure the numbers wouldn't be pretty.  I thought I might even have gained some.  Imagine my delight when the scale said I LOST:

4.2 lbs.

Throw a freakin' party!  I think I did a little dance before announcing my success to Charming.  This is seriously painless.  Yes,  I have had to pass up a few yummies, but I don't feel deprived seeing as how I can eat other food (meaning no grains) until I'm full.  I can even have reasonable amounts of icecream.  Actually, last night I had extremely unreasonable amounts of icecream and I am still cheerful!  

Huzzah and Woot Woot!!!

I plan on keeping this up this next week--and perhaps walking three days this week?  I am keeping my fingers crossed that my good luck (or hard work) keeps up.
 

Why yes, Mommy IS hyperventilating...

So I lately I keep having small panic attacks that usually stem from spending time with my children.  I do not exaggerate.

Years ago I used to have occasional panic attacks and it took me a while to figure out what was going on.  I went to the doctor and was given some pills that I only took one time; they made me feel dizzy and tired and my vision got blurry.  My heart rate slowed a bit and I had to sleep.  Not a good choice for a mother of two. 

Yeah so that wouldn't be an option for me now as a mother of three.  Almost every day for the last week I have had a period of time where the stress has been too much for me.  My chest tightens and I start to hyperventilate.  I feel super short of breath and I can't think clearly.  As a matter of fact, this is exactly how I feel right now at this moment while I am typing this post.  I'm kind of freaking out a little bit.

The thing that freaks me out the most?  The fact that it's only little, everyday, normal things that are setting me off.  It's just small conflicts with my kids.  Hearing them argue sets it off.  Hearing a whine sets it off.  Seeing that they didn't close the back door and are letting in all the flies sets it off.  Asking me a question sets it off.  Hearing them ask me for the third time if they can play on the ipod sets it off.  Seeing a mess sets it off.  Heck, hearing a loud noise sets me off.  And most of all having them climb on me and touch my face insistantly sets it off.

Keep in mind that these specific things don't always set off a panic attack.  These things are the last straw.  To what you ask?  I don't know.  That's what is so bothersome.  I don't really see a pattern here except that my children are always involved.

Now Farm Boy is waving a toy in my face and the pain has started again.  Ugh, I need a day at the spa or at least an hour to myself.  Really though, I don't know if that will make any difference.

Sigh.

I'll take what I can get.

I'm not particularly feeling in a bloggy mood today, but I did weigh myself this morning as usual and I lost:

2.2 lbs.

Again, like last week, at first I was disappointed.  I knew I could do better and I knew that I had probably gained a little weight the second half of the week.  However, this is still a pretty good number considering that I'm not going hungry and I'm not exercising.  I did walk Buttercup to school a couple times and that was nice, but this week I (maybe) hope to get some extra hiking in in the morning while pushing Farm Boy around in the stroller.

I've also been taking the herbal/natural/whatever pills and I don't think they're making a difference.  I'll still finish out the bottle and see it to the end.